I just realized it's 1 a.m. in the morning, so officially it's Valentine's Day.
Valentine's Day brings back a few memories.
Rewind back to 2003 and on Valentine's Day I was 23 weeks pregnant, sitting in the OB's office, waiting for the ultrasound that would tell me if I was having a boy or a girl. I was so excited. Steve, my mom and stepdad were there with me. My OB told me beforehand to make sure I drank lots of water so we could get a good view of Baby and I followed his instructions. I had to pee so bad and was scared I'd pee on the examining table!
For weeks I kept thinking it was a boy. The nurse squirted the gel on my tummy and we could see Baby. She showed me the head, the feet, the arms. Finally I couldn't take the suspense anymore and asked, "Boy or girl?" I was so surprised when the told me it was a girl! I still remember my mom saying, "A girl!" She was as excited about the baby as I was. I brought a blank video tape and the nurse taped the ultrasound.
After the appointment Steve and my stepdad left while my mom and I immediately drove to Babies R Us and registered. It was so fun clicking on crib bedding, bottles, strollers, car seats. My mom bought a bunch of pink bibs with cute sayings, like "Little Girls Are Sent From Heaven" and "Daddy's Little Girl" and "I Love My Grandma."
We all went out to dinner that night to celebrate. Thing seemed so good. Then 2 days later my water broke unexpectedly and I was rushed to the hospital where my OB confirmed that yes my water broke and that I was going to lose my baby.
I stayed in the hospital for 4 more days, hoping that if I could just stick it out another week or so, Baby would have a chance to survive. I hated being in that hospital. They had me on the Labor & Delivery floor and occasionally I could hear a woman screaming while giving birth. The painting on the wall directly in front of my bed was of a woman gazing lovingly at her new baby. I remember sitting in that bed and seeing that in front of me and just hating that woman in the painting.
On my 4th day at the hospital I developed an infection so they had to induce labor. Chloe Irene was born and passed away on February 21st, one week after I found out she was going to be a girl. I got to hold her and the hospital gave me a silk lined box with her footprint, little hat and her wristband. This wasn't how it was supposed to be, I kept telling myself. I'm supposed to be leaving the hospital with my baby. I'd never been at such a low point in my life. I came home to a house that felt foreign. The videotape of my ultrasound was still in the vcr and my pregnancy journal that I'd written in was in my dresser drawer. My mom had cleaned the house for me and thoughtfully removed my maternity clothes.
I took 6 weeks off of work and rarely left my bed. I rented tons of movies but couldn't pay attention to what they were about. Steve was so wonderful during this time. Eventually things got better, slowly. Very slowly. When I returned to work I opened up my bottom desk drawer and there was the application to adopt from China. Steve and I considered Chinese adoption right before I became pregnant with Chloe. I could have sworn that we threw the application out, so I was very surprised to find it in the drawer, right on top.
At first, after losing Chloe, I felt like I would never want to try to get pregnant again, and definately never want to pursue adoption. I was so mad at God. A couple months later God opened my heart up again to the possibility of adopting from China. In June 2004 we were blessed with the news that our daughter (Big Sis) was waiting for us in Kunming, China.
Fast forward to February 2007 when we received the call that Little Sis was in the Chenzhou SWI (Social Welfare Institute), 11 months old, with bright eyes and the cutest mouth I'd ever laid eyes on. This time February was nothing but joyful and exciting. We couldn't wait to get on that plane and bring Little Sis home.
Finally I was able to let go of my hurt. I was blessed with three daughters, one up in Heaven, the other two here at home in my arms. I'll never understand why God had to take Chloe, but I'm no longer mad. Big Sis and Little Sis helped me heal.
2 comments:
((((hugs)))) I just can't even imagine... sitting here almost 18 weeks pg I just can't fathom going through what you did. I had a miscarriage in 2005 which was very hard as at that point we had ttc for 3 years and it was my first pgcy, but to lose your sweet little daughter so far into the pgcy.... The baby we lost had an EDD of 2-24-06 so I've been thinking of that baby in heaven lately. Anyhow I am soooo happy the Lord had two precious daughters waiting for you in China. I am sooooo glad they have helped with your healing process. (((((hugs)))))
OMG, I remember that Valentine Day like it just happened. I was so happy that you gave Chloie the middle name of Irene after me and Ama. I also remember the week I spent with you when you came out of the hospital. You stayed in your bedroom most of the time. It broke my heart when I found you in the shower crying. You said your stomach was bloated and you had nothing to show for it. That comment broke my heart and I have tears in my eyes as I type.
I too was angry at God. When I drove home I was on the cell phone with your sister the entire time trying to figure out why this happened. When I unpacked your maternity clothes I was so angry at God that I screamed at him as loud as I could. I was glad MDH was at work.
I held on to your maternity clothes thinking you might try again. I took them to Goodwill after you brought Big Sis home.
I still have your petrie dish and your pregnancy journal. One day you will want them.
I lost my anger at God when I saw you happy again once the adoption phase began.
I can't imagine not having Big Sis and Little Sis in our lives. I love them so much.
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