July 23rd Thursday

How can it already be the end of July? This summer has flown by.

I'm at work right now so I can't post photos. There's really no photos to post anyway. My dad's cancer has pretty much consumed my thoughts. I went to my doctor two weeks ago to get back on anti-depressants. She prescribed one that I had never used. Well, I took it for a week and it gave me horrible side effects. I became so nauseous that my weight got down to 106. It made me break out into hot sweats, made me shake, couldn't sleep and made my heart beat fast. I felt so sick last Saturday that I paged the doctor, who told me to stop taking the meds.

The doctor did a blood test and everything is fine. Actually, my cholesterol is now under 200 (198) so that is good. She wrote me a prescription for Xanax and said to take it just when I'm feeling overly anxious.

Monday at work I had my first anxiety attack. I kept dwelling about my dad and searching the internet about cancer and started freaking out. My heart began beating a mile a minute, I got hot flashes, my skin tingled and I felt like I was going to fain. It was awful. Unfortunately I hadn't yet picked up the Xanax from the pharmacy yet. I did take a pill last night and it didn't really do much for me.

The update on my father...he's in Santa Barbara, CA at a treatment center that focuses on diet and holistic treatment. Last week he developed some type of allergic reaction to the treatment and his eye was swollen shut was a sack of fluid inside. His lips have swollen and his body itches. Doctors gave him prednisone for the allergy. He also had 18 ounces of fluid drained from his lungs and is having the fluid tested.

Everytime the phone rings my heart jumps. He doesn't seem to be overly depressed, but I am. I just know that he won't make it past Christmas. It's just a feeling I have. It seems so surreal to me, how can he be this sick? He was always the one in great health, always exercised, kept in shape.

I haven't told the girls anything about their "Papa Paul." Yesterday Kylie mentioned how he took her to see the movie Up two months ago after her preschool graduation. I think back to that night and how wonderful we all were. He was feeling great and told us he felt all the cancer was in remission. We went out for pizza and a movie after graduation and he spent the night at our house. We talked about all of us going to Myrtle Beach for vacation. I would give anything to turn back the clock to that day.